The one question that has been on my mind,have been about the direction my life is taking these days. The last 8 months have seen the life take a course which has been quite fulfilling. That much said, the idling mind puts fears in the mind in respect of ''what will happen".
I feel the intellect in me is quite insufficient, when I compare myself to people around me. The capacity to retain, the desire to add more value, or make use of my time in a particular way, in all these areas, i think i fail miserably.
What I am confident of is my capacity to love freely, without being judgemental. I feel like a soldier, waiting for the next orders and doing the best at all times, come what may. I only have these qualifications. I wonder if these are enough to go on my chosen path. I ask my self these questions day in and day out.
My daughter tells me that I live in a bubble. A happy place where I don't let emotions of others interfere with my calm. The core is kept intact, so the sanity prevails. I think it may be true. It is not my doing, it is just a gift, if can be called as one.
I dislike hypocrites. The one's who just talk. They fool you into believing somethings that they so vociferously campaign. In the early days of my life, i used to pass by them even without noticing. But now, I am aware of them, and just pretend to listen.
I walk around Jersey city, looking at people walking,sitting in the train, reading, talking to friends etc, and I wonder if I would have liked to live here in the city. I think their's is a disconnected life. I may be wrong. The attachment that we have to our neighbours, our dhobi, the shopkeeper, the maid, the hawker, etc are mostly missing here. I think they are scared to get attached to life this way.
To draw comparisons between life in coimbatore and Newyork, I find the waiter in Annapoorna Gowrishankar,is a nobody, doesn't know a thing except executing the orders that he gets from the eater in the hotel. Where as over here, the waiter is a somebody. He knows the inside out of your menu, he knows everything that is to know about the food you are eating, stylish,with a put on cheerfulnes that their jobs entail.
Time is my friend here, always at my disposal. There is never a dull moment in my life. I feel like a feather, floating in the sky, enjoying the freedom, outside and inside my head. Three months felt a long time before. Two months ave flown past, with my doing nothing much.Apart from giving and taking love from the dearest on whose account I am here, I haven't done much. But yet fulfilling in its own way.
I am counting the last few days left of my time in this country, in this city, in this home, and in this heart where I feel I have a place, no matter what. The love encompasses everything and I am fortunate to have been the vehicle, for such a soul to take birth in this world.
I feel the expression that has been lurking in the recesses of my mind has at last managed to find a place in my blog. so I rest in peace.
