Musings from US.

An idle mind is a devil's workshop. All the same, the idle mind ponders over life as it is happening, happened and will happen. How else will you put things in the right perspective?

The one question that has been on my mind,have been about the direction my life is taking these days. The last 8 months have seen the life take a course which has been quite fulfilling. That much said, the idling mind puts fears in the mind in respect of ''what will happen".

I feel the intellect in me is quite insufficient, when I compare myself to people around me. The capacity to retain, the desire to add more value, or make use of my time in a particular way, in all these areas, i think i fail miserably.

What I am confident of is my capacity to love freely, without being judgemental. I feel like a soldier, waiting for the next orders and doing the best at all times, come what may. I only have these qualifications. I wonder if these are enough to go on my chosen path. I ask my self these questions day in and day out.

My daughter tells me that I live in a bubble. A happy place where I don't let emotions of others interfere with my calm. The core is kept intact, so the sanity prevails. I think it may be true. It is not my doing, it is just a gift, if can be called as one.

I dislike hypocrites. The one's who just talk. They fool you into believing somethings that they so vociferously campaign. In the early days of my life, i used to pass by them even without noticing. But now, I am aware of them, and just pretend to listen.

I walk around Jersey city, looking at people walking,sitting in the train, reading, talking to friends etc, and I wonder if I would have liked to live here in the city. I think their's is a disconnected life. I may be wrong. The attachment that we have to our neighbours, our dhobi, the shopkeeper, the maid, the hawker, etc are mostly missing here. I think they are scared to get attached to life this way.

To draw comparisons between life in coimbatore and Newyork, I find the waiter in Annapoorna Gowrishankar,is a nobody, doesn't know a thing except executing the orders that he gets from the eater in the hotel. Where as over here, the waiter is a somebody. He knows the inside out of your menu, he knows everything that is to know about the food you are eating, stylish,with a put on cheerfulnes that their jobs entail.

Time is my friend here, always at my disposal. There is never a dull moment in my life. I feel like a feather, floating in the sky, enjoying the freedom, outside and inside my head. Three months felt a long time before. Two months ave flown past, with my doing nothing much.Apart from giving and taking love from the dearest on whose account I am here, I haven't done much. But yet fulfilling in its own way.

I am counting the last few days left of my time in this country, in this city, in this home, and in this heart where I feel I have a place, no matter what. The love encompasses everything and I am fortunate to have been the vehicle, for such a soul to take birth in this world.

I feel the expression that has been lurking in the recesses of my mind has at last managed to find a place in my blog. so I rest in peace.

Lessons in every day life

I ask myself, if it is possible to change people's attitudes.I never fail trying. I feel each human does something, thinking it is the right thing to do at that point of time.But it is only the result of the action that may be good or bad, depending on the effect it has on the other person.

So changing the action as such is not important.. It is the attitude that has to be changed in people. If you can see basic goodness in each one and try and encourage that we can bring change in people.
nothing is ever lost anywhere....as long as hope lives, it is never too late to try!

A great learning, a step ahead:)

Yesterday dawned as any other day, but I wasn't aware of the learning that was waiting at the doorstep.I was late getting to work, so decided to travel to my workplace by scooter. I reached the gate of my office complex which is a gated community with many residential buildings. To my utter shock and dismay the security guard at the gate did not let me enter. He told me that I have to turn back as I was an outsider.I have been going everyday since the last 40 days and never experienced this sort of behavior from any of the security guards manning the gate.

I was not expecting this, and hence reacted by calling the office and informing them that I was going back home. I was crying all the way back, feeling sad for the way I was treated. I had many questions in my mind. Although i felt the guard was only doing his duty, I couldnt accept his rude behavior.

I decided then and there that I am never going to enter the complex, alone and informed the office of my decision. I felt I was doing the right thing.

But after a few hours of contemplation, I realised that, it was my ego that was hurt. I could have reacted in a different way, by calling someone from the office to come and speak to the security guard and let me enter the complex. Instead I chose to be the victim and returned.

I am wiser now, having realised my mistake.The ego blocks reason from entering the brain and I became a victim of my own ego..

But all the same, it felt good crying...heart felt lighter...thank you "Mr security" for the my learning and the lightness of being..

Present moment....

I dedicate this blog to my silent friend, who comes here everyday..

She inspired me to write, and I am doing this at her behest. So here goes friend, all yours..

'Retirement" the word, was not received well by Nimi,my elder daughter, although the effect of the same was acceptable to her. She thought, this brought me closer to being in the later part of my journey.She contemplated for a while and then said ," now you are a social worker and not a banker.Nobody is retiring.."I know why she said so.A mother is a presence that cannot be replaced. We are all the extensions of our mothers, and the thought of them not being there scares us.

Life, indeed is in the fast track now a days.Punarnava, occupies my thoughts and time. I feel much needed, and that gives me the impetus to stay and learn.In the past one month, I have grown as a person, faster than ever before.The word detachment holds a new meaning now. I watch everything around me, and as an observer find myself a step away.

Vaidyagrama, breathes life. It is filled with divine healing energy which helps repair body and soul. An ayurvedic way of life is what is practiced.


I love the spark of life in each person, and hence used to believe that there is divinity in each one. But the recent happenings in the capital makes me wonder if the same is true.

Prayers for the wellbeing of all...

The Train is reaching a Junction!!!!

The life that was on a single track for the last 31 years is soon going to get into another track..I am getting ready for the change.

A change is coming my way ...and i cant think that in less than a month, I will be getting up one day and not have to go to work. TO MY BANK TO WORK..

Bank of India, is my child, mother,friend and what not...and now I know the time is nearing when I have to choose a different path..an inward spiritual journey.
Everyday I learn a thing or two..
13.10.2012 4.05Pm

I find that man management is more difficult than enterprise management where emotions do not have a place.

In the recent past, I have had lessons in management from vaidyagrama. I find that in this orgaisation there is intense regard for individuals and their potential.

I think each of the staff must rise up to this belief and carry it forward to the people who work for them. Thus there will be a 360 degree growth in man and management

One lesson I learnt ...Never fragment anything..this causes undue attention being given to unnecessary things. This causes worries and stress..So look at everything in its wholesome form.

I learnt that when you are passionate about your goal then the happenings around that can be ignored. It the passion is missing, then the happenings can be dealt with differntly..

It is always better to clarify before coming to any conclusion about somebody's action...

Nowadays children want everything black and white. But they need to understand that some things are better left grey for a peaceful life.

When we are living in the city we get so used to the noises around us that we get scared when there is utter silence...it happened on sunday when i visited vaidyagrama...I started paying attention to the silence around me and slowly started hearing the gentle sound of nature around me...the birds chirping, the swaying of the leaves to the music of the breeze, the crickets, the dragonflies, butterflies wooing the colourful flowers, the lone dog running helter skelter in the field..a black and white cat taking care of its young ones resting in an empty carton.... and thus heard the noisiness of the silence.

I learnt that it is not necessary to voice one's concern. Internalising the same will also cure the concern in the long run...

Taking is more difficult than giving...coz you to need to keep your ego aside...

Keep the doors of your heart open for people who have once remained and gone to return.... likewise you also must go back to the hearts where once you resided..

The aura of positivity surrounding you need to be thick enough to stop any negativity to reach your core.. I need to consciously work on it..for I let it cross to reach and me and turn me topsy turvy..

Write the positives of someone on stone and negatives on sand for the latter will be wiped off in no time and the former will be preserved forever.

Never look back on your life's travails and waste the present moment for it is like paying the EMI for a closed housing loan....

Present moment, a present in itself

Life till date has given surprises and shockers. I have never taken life that seriously. Surprises are welcome, always! but over the years I have learnt to accept the shocks also with equanimity. Since the acceptance of a particular situation comes soon, it doesnt create any havoc. So the moral of the story, is everything is in our hands.To make or break.. I choose to make rather than break anything. So I live by....

Just finished re-reading the Fountain Head. I held the book in awe 25 years back when I read it the first time. This time around since I knew what was coming, I concentrated on the details.
I am in awe of the author, Ayn Rand, who, in 1935 wrote something which is relevant even to this day, and will be so in the future too. I will need to read this book more times to understand exactly the philosophy of objectivism.
Roark in his last speech at the Corlandt trial, talks about an egotist and an altruist, individualism and collectivsm, and a creator and a second hander, comparing them in detail. This prompts the reader to find out about himself or herself, to try to put one's character in the above given slots.I think it is not easy to be a Roark.

Bank exam, CAIIB beckons and I bow humbly to the books which are going to be my companions for the next three months.
Not an easy task it is going to be, but needs to be done.

It helps, not to think of the future but to remain in the present moment.

A slice of my day....

I finished my hectic work schedule today and boarded the bus, when my mobile beeped alerting me of an sms.. It was from,Jo my niece who had sent the sms to remind me to write in my blog, she said she misses talking to me, and through the blog,she gets to know what goes on in my head...Its quite funny, that today my blog has become my expression.

I share a beautiful relationship with her. I find lot of strength in her, now that she is the mother of two wonderful kids. I find her enjoying her motherhood just as I did. The kids are going to grow and before long will have their life to lead. It is only these moments when they are so dependent on you that you need to be with them and thrive in sharing the togetherness.

Being a mother, was my only identity. I enjoyed every bit of it, when nimi and simi were small ,when mohan was alive, and even after he left us, playing the roles of both dad and mom. It was tough sometimes, but inspiring all the same.

I think children are very observant of their parents. They imbibe values from them and live. If you have lived your life well, be rest assured your children will too. So, as the saying goes, Life is simple if you let it be....

I enjoy watching Jo's children, Mythri and Vivaan as they are growing. It is nice to see acceptance in Mythri of her brother. We find sibling rivalry in most homes, where the elder child gets jealous of the younger sibling, seeing all the attention they get. But I am happy to see that Mythri acts like a parent herself.

I am waiting to see, nimi and simi as mothers, wondering how they will tackle their life with children. But deep inside I know that they will be wonderful parents ,when they choose to have their own kids.

Thinking about all this, I didnt realise my bus had already reached my stop and I jumped outside....

Such is life....